|Go into the light.|
...can't say I'll miss you, though MAN can you act. Anyway, don't let next year hit you in the butt on the way out. That said, HELLO... uh, 2012...
Hm. Looks like we're gonna laugh, we're gonna cry, we're gonna be on the edge of our seats. It'll be nothing if not entertaining. Regardless, buckle up, Timmy. Those boots look serious. And functional. Good for wading through all manner of flotsam and jetsam.
|The 2012 New Year's Day Parade will be on the SECOND of January this year -- for the first time ever --|
which will cause some reasonable and unreasonable agitation.
2012 will be all about reasonable and unreasonable agitation.
It's official: UFOs have landed en masse all over Canada -- and strangely, nowhere else on earth. Indeed, thousands of huge flying saucers and behemoth rectangular motherships have taken up residence above and around nearly all Canadian cities and in all provinces. Greeted warmly by the Canucks, the aliens have already started sharing their massive trove of alien technology with the Canadian people.
"We flew around for a good 50 years, checking out the best landing spots," said Xlonk Xlipome, alien subcommander and goodwill ambassador of the Xli, wearing a maple-leafed toque, "but Canada was the only place we liked. Canadians are just nicer than other Terrans. And funnier, jeez. In this universe, you either develop a good sense of humor or you're pretty much hosed." Citing the rampant, fear-based paranoia of most other earth cultures, Xlonk added that more earth cities might be added to the aliens' itinerary, but only if they lightened up. "I think the UK may be next," the alien added. "Besides Kids in the Hall and Slings and Arrows, we're all big fans of Monty Python."
Even more shocking than the Canadian landings themselves, their neighbors to the south have ostensibly begun to turn off FOX news and other fear-based programming, with some Americans actually leaving their homes to hug non-white strangers; some uncharacteristically smile for no reason, waving at saucers headed for Canada, while others have gone so far as to disarm themselves. Texas appears to be the only fully armed, unsmiling exception. Except for a few regional anomalies, Texans still seemed tightlipped and heavily armed -- especially given the Cowboys choking this season. Indeed, Texas seems the only state where passing UFOs are regularly shot at and cursed. "Maybe it's the fire ants," Xlonk shrugged.
|Few people realize it now, but 2012 is gonna be a non-stop B&W Tinkerbell-flintlock explosion!|
Dust off those coonskin caps and nomex coveralls, Clyde, 'cause 2012 is a-comin'! O Lucky Man!
Dang. It's the solstice, and Da-da's gonna get burned at sundown -- again. Hurts every time. At least they're using a nice BBQ sauce this time. Mmmm, roast Da-da... smells tasty! So, what would one serve with a piquant roast Da-da? Ah.
|Mmm, Salmon of Knowledge martinis...|
...but it's freakin' WWIII at Da-da's house (what's left of it), since Bronko and Nagurski are home for winter break. Anyone with a helicopter and tranquilizer gun are encouraged to stop by and drink all of Da-da's booze if he can borrow your kid-stunning equipment.
Bad Mall Santa Da-da hasn't been writing much about being Bad Mall Santa Da-da as it went from funny novelty to soul-numbing grind pretty quickly. Forcing yourself to be jolly when you're dead tired and way weary of kiddie materialism -- AND sick as a dog from all the childhood diseases genuflecting through your beard -- not to mention being pooped on and peed on and barfed on and sneezed on, was more than even a veteran Man Called Da-da could bear, but bear it he did. It was terrible UNTIL Santa Da-da suddenly realized that, not only were these not his kids, but Santa Da-da had already turned that parenting corner and never had to go back! No more diapers! No more projectile vomit! No more bodily excretions flying all over the place! Well, unless you sign up to be a Bad Mall Santa Da-da.
[Read Bad Mall Santa Da-da #5, or SING the Bad Mall Santa Da-da theme song!]
|No doubt that box of Oxydol had something to do with it. |
Other Oxydol side effects: bunny suit compulsion, BB gun mania, etc.
Hm. A little Grinchy before-and-after for a Freaky Friday. The top twist is the most recent, the color obviously sweetened when compared to the original on the bottom. Da-da thought the colors were tweaked, but dismissed it until 4 and 6YO Bronko and Nagurski pointed out the color change, as well; they've seen Da-da's DVD original about 20 times. We all agreed that we liked the original icky Grinch green as it best suits his icky Grinch character. Da-da also noticed that some video editor had overcranked and oversaturated the latest version's colors, causing some pixelization, which is really inexcuseable. Alas, Da-da fears this is the future of everything, as more and more "experts" second-guess films' original directors, art directors and editors, making the past increasingly pixelated and "improved." Or perhaps the color faded and has been restored? It's possible. Da-da's been wrong before -- at least twice.